How to make peace…and keep it

Yesterday I wrote about knowing when to step away, but sometimes that’s not enough. There are times in a man’s life when we take things just a little too far or we get involved when we shouldn’t have. Diffusing these situations takes skill and a bit of kindness. (Never associate kindness with weakness)

“Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me, weak is not what you are going to remember about me.”

― Al Capone

One of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn in life is how to be diplomatic. It’s often too easy to simply “give in” and let someone have their way even though it really bothers you. At the same time, it’s also difficult to stick to your guns when you know that it could potentially destabilize your relationship with others.

My father taught me that it’s important in life to learn the difference between what is worth keeping and protecting and when it’s necessary to let go. My father was a businessman. He owned and operated a decent-sized snowmobile, ATV, and boat dealership for much of my childhood and adult life. I heard many stories about his many customers, from the wonderful loyal customers to the ones he dreaded to see coming in the door. Through all of those stories, I learned that there are also limits to how far one should go to nurture and develop a relationship. Some relationships simply are not meant to be and not knowing the difference can lead to a toxic situation for all involved. There were times in my father’s life when he simply told a customer that they were no longer welcome in his shop and that they should take their business elsewhere.

I was in my thirties when I witnessed one such conversation. Once, while visiting, I strode into the shop and came upon a tense conversation between my father and a visibly agitated customer. My father had been pushed to a point where he was no longer willing to meet the unreasonable demands of the customer. The customer began to raise his voice, I moved into a protective posture off to the side, and my father very calmly repeated his statement…with “the look.” After a few tense moments, the wife intervened and coaxed her husband out of the shop, never to enter again.

I never saw my father physically fight anyone in all the years he was alive. I’m sure he had a few scrapes in his youth, but in his adulthood and more importantly in his fatherhood, he never had to fight. Why? He had “the look” and the confidence to back it up. I’ve seen him bring many lesser men to their proverbial knees simply with words and a look of determination.

Just as there are customers not worth having, I’ve also seen my father do some amazing things to keep many of his customers happy. Some of his customers became life-long friends and regular visitors to my childhood home. The same principle carries over into everyday relationships with family and friends. There are those worth fighting for and those you need to let go.

There is a big difference between an unsatisfied customer and an unreasonable customer. In life, there is also a difference between a tense situation among friends or family members and a toxic situation. Knowing the difference is the key.

Last night, I had an online conversation with a family member that quickly began to dissolve into chaos. Yesterday, I wrote about knowing when to step away, which I did. Today is a lesson in making and keeping the peace. When I left the exchange I did so by simply stating that I was bowing out of the conversation as it was getting too far off-topic. Next, I sent a message to my family member letting them know that while I agreed with many of their points, there were some, where we would simply have to agree to disagree. I also told them I loved them and that no matter what was said on social media, it would not change my high regard for them.

Bowing out is not a sign of weakness, it’s a matter of knowing when things have gone on long enough. It’s a sign of strength and courage. The strength to know when it’s time to stop and the courage to actually do it regardless of how it might make you appear. Kindness is not a sign of weakness either. A man knows the difference. Letting others know where they stand with you and how you feel about them is a vital part of what being a man is all about. Caring for and protecting those relationships that matter shows your character and values.

When making peace with others, there is a time for compromise and a time for firmness with compassion. When a Dad makes peace with a child, it’s not always about finding a middle ground, but sometimes letting the child know that this is the way it’s going to be, but I will always love you just the same.

Manhood and fatherhood are not easy, but it is rewarding. One should aspire to be strong enough and courageous enough to be able to look anyone in the eye and tell them “I love you” or tell them “that’s enough, we’re done here.”

And to know the difference…