Rule the words!
The art of taking command of a conversation.
Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters
Dau Voire
Many years ago, I received an apology from my high school French teacher. He apologized for getting me in trouble with my father. I remember being surprised since I was completely unaware of anything I’d done wrong. After school that day I asked my Mom about it. I’ll never forget her words. She said, “Your father sometimes can scare people when he takes command of a conversation.” I learned that my father would sometimes take charge in an effort to gather the information he needed or to quickly get to the point. My Dad had called my French teacher to ask about a particular grade I’d received on an assignment. His direct questions were not meant to convey any particular emotions, but rather to skip the fluff and excuses to get straight to the point, in other words, “what happened?” My father got his information and relayed it to me, telling me to pay more attention to my work in French class. For me? This was par for the course. He wasn’t upset, or angry, he was informed and made sure I was too. My French teacher was a wonderful man and a great teacher, but not exactly an alpha male. The directness of my father's conversation caught him off guard, but it did achieve the desired result. My father got a truthful answer without any excuses or fluff.
Many years before that conversation, my Dad had been on a meteoric rise in a major East Coast insurance firm based in Boston and NYC. He’d graduated with a degree in Business Administration and his no-nonsense work ethic and his “damn the torpedoes” attitude had put him on the fast track to become the managing underwriter, in his division, for the entire Eastern Seaboard. As a man in his late twenties and early thirties, he was young for his position. One trait that helped him get there was his ability to lead and his ability to take command of a conversation helped him greatly in that leadership role.
Now, let me clarify. The incident with my French teacher took place over the telephone. Given the nature of the mode of communication, you cannot see the set of a jaw, the smile on a face, the body language, or the eyes as someone delivers direct questions and succinct answers. It’s easy to see how my teacher was led to believe that I had gotten into trouble at home. In the end, we all had a good laugh. I asked him to be present at my Eagle Scout awards dinner that year, as an honored guest, for his influence on my life at the time. He was one of many who inspired me to become an educator.
Taking command of a conversation is not to be confused with dominating a conversation. If a man wants to command a conversation, he subtly steers the words of the parties involved to stay on point to reach the desired outcome. This does not mean that he tries to force people to say certain things or to try and curry favor, but rather to get them to speak effectively and to convey their ideas as he listens.
In my day job, I’m a technology administrator and a STEM teacher for a public school. We are knee-deep in the global pandemic and, as a result, technology has been thrust to the forefront with the need for remote learning. Yesterday I got a phone call from a frustrated parent. His first words were, “Hey, what’s going on!” (Expletives omitted) No introduction or anything. I had no idea who the caller was. My response was, “I’m not sure what you’re referring to, but perhaps you could start by letting me know who this is.” He replied and then began to list the multitude of problems that were going on with his daughter’s Chromebook computer. After about 30 seconds, I cut him off and began asking pointed questions to get to the bottom of the matter. His diatribe against me, the school, the computer, COVID-19, and probably global warming, was getting us nowhere. He clearly wanted to continue listing the problems in his world, but after my questions, I had enough information to be able to say, “Well, bring it in and I’ll take a look at it. If something is actually wrong, I’ll issue her a different laptop. Bring it in tomorrow if you can.” That caught him off-guard and he muttered, “Ok I’ll get it over to you tomorrow,” and hung up.
In this particular case, I wasn’t going to listen to his problems. I needed to take control of the conversation, get the answers I needed, and get to the conclusion so I could move on to my next task. I’m not telling you to be rude or that you shouldn’t listen to people, but rather to know the difference between listening to value and reason or listening to whining and complaining.
Conversations, left unchecked, can quickly dissolve into small talk, gossip, or even arguments. Listen intently, be present, consider other ideas and new information, but in the end, take command if needed. You will find that people appreciate when someone can get the conversation back on track.
How do you take command of a conversation? Start with a smile. Smiling is disarming. Seriously. Be confident and project that confidence. Nervousness is very easy to spot and can derail your intentions very quickly. Approach a conversation as if you own it. If you do, you will. Look others in the eye when listening. Listen intently and thoughtfully. Focus on others and encourage them to talk about themselves. Ask thoughtful questions. Use your body language to your advantage. Keep your hands out of your pockets. Stand straight and tall. Look confident and use gestures in a positive manner to indicate things such as who should speak next.
If you’re in a group discussion and someone is monopolizing the conversation, use some strategy to help steer things in another direction. For example, try lobbing a question to the boss to move things in another direction.
Don’t answer a question, but rather respond to a question. Answers to a question are nothing more than boring recitations of data whereas responding is all about providing the data with a bit of a bonus. Responses provide opportunities for you to add a unique story or reveal talents. Responses can even be inclusive and therefore provide an avenue for others to become more engaged in the conversation. Here’s an example…
The boss: “Hey Jim. How many laptops did we order for the shipping department?”
Jim: “32”
Pretty boring, huh? Let’s try responding instead.
Jim: “We ordered 32, however, I’d also like to add that Bob thought it would be a good idea to get a few tablets to help those who tend to be more mobile around the warehouse. Personally, I think it’s a great idea and it should make them more productive. We have the funds in the budget and I’m sure Barbara might be able to weigh in with more specific information.”
See the difference? We’ve gone from boring data to an interesting idea that gives credit to another person for a great idea and also brings a third person into the conversation to give her a sense of purpose and a chance to contribute.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, right? Double your conversation power by using your body language to help paint that picture. Effective communicators use all the tools in their arsenal. Use your hands to make subtle, but powerful gestures to convey meaning, diffuse tension, or to emphasize the importance of a point. Learn to read the body language of others. Are they open and inviting? Perhaps they’re closed, distanced, or are they simply neutral? Noticing these nuances can help you in bringing them out of themselves and into the conversation or it will guide you in what type of conversation you should be having. Reading and effectively using body language is helpful in many situations including work or office scenarios to dating and relationships. Remember, as a man, your body language is key and often sets the tone. Be strong and confident in your attitude and in your body language.
Let us all educate our sons to be fearless. Fearless and confident. Our boys should grow up to be men who can walk up to anyone and ask a question or start a conversation. Teach them to be open, honest, and approachable. Most of all we should help them to understand that true strength is not derived from being the loudest and most boisterous, but rather from simply listening, speaking what is necessary, and being present.
Be positive. Be interesting. Be encouraging. Be confident. Be humble. Be open. Be a man.
Rule the words…
