The Power of Praise
All too often people confuse praise and self-esteem with ego. I’m going to try and untangle the two so that you know the difference and how praise can effect wonderful change in the lives of those you love.
I’m a teacher. Yup, that’s my day job. I’m a teacher and technology director of a local school system. I’ve been doing it for many years and I can honestly say that in my career I have taught kids from every grade level. I’m currently in a K-8 school, but the early part of my career was spent at the high school level. In addition to being a teacher, I’ve also been a coach as well as an employer in my own business. All of this experience has given me a unique insight into the effect of praise in everyday life.
Think back in your own life. Think of a time when someone told you that you did a great job. Remember how it made you feel? Don’t you find it interesting that you still remember that feeling? I can remember many times in my childhood when other adults, particularly my Mom and Dad would tell me how proud they were of something that I had accomplished. It made me feel amazing. I had a rush of self-worth and a desire to do continue and do more. For me, praise was and still is, very motivational. Men thrive on praise. It may sound silly and primitive, but men are pretty simple sometimes. Tell us we’re doing a good job or that you appreciate us and we’ll work even harder.
Now, this blog is primarily about men, dads, and their sons, however, I want to talk about everyone. Praise and compliments are healthy for everyone. Girls and boys both respond to praise. There have been many times in my own classroom that I’ve seen a child blossom like a flower simply because of a compliment or praise that I’ve bestowed upon them.
I used to have a little girl in one of my third-grade classes who wore dresses nearly every day when all the other kids were normally wearing jeans or shorts. I could tell that sometimes she took some grief from her classmates about her choice of clothing, but I actually admired her spirit and willingness to go her own way. One day, in front of everyone, I mentioned how nice she looked and that I admired her courage. The transformation was astounding. I could see her instantly grow a little taller and glow a little brighter. That compliment fed her self-esteem to a point where she became one of my best students.
I coached high school varsity football for several years. I remember one player who had been working hard but was struggling to come up through the ranks to earn some playing time. One day in practice, I decided to focus on him and work with him on his fundamentals. During our team scrimmage, he came off the line and delivered a solid block to a defensive back which had me yelling out, “Good hit! Great job! Now let’s get it again!” He sprung to his feet, hustled back to the huddle and came out again, and laid his defensive opponent out flat. This trend continued throughout the practice. He made solid plays and I made sure to let him know I was pleased. As the week progressed, he ended up earning some playing time in Friday night’s game. Within a couple of weeks, he was a starter.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I never got after him when he did something wrong, but I made sure that the praise outweighed the criticism. That, I found, is the key. It’s ok to point out when someone is doing something wrong, but if that’s all you do, then the flower will wilt over time. Constructive criticism can be beneficial, but too much “constructive criticism” can actually be destructive. Praise is strong and very effective.
As fathers, we often get caught up in teaching things to our children, and sometimes when they struggle, we struggle. I’ve often found myself dwelling too much on the negative and have had to stop myself and make sure that I found ways to be positive even in the face of adversity. Children struggle sometimes. They can be frustrating. It’s often easy to get sucked into believing that we’re helping by providing constructive criticism, but that criticism without any positive reinforcement or praise will eventually begin to work in reverse. Self-esteem will plummet and seemingly simple tasks will become more difficult to master. Eventually, it may lead them to stop trying at all. If all they’re getting is negative reinforcement, then why bother?
Men may often fall into this trap with children. Women often find themselves in a similar position with their husbands. The old stereotype of a nagging wife actually has some basis in reality. Unfortunately for all involved, it can become a vicious cycle if it isn’t recognized and corrected. Women are generally more verbal than men. They recognize problems and more readily communicate the issues, seeking to be heard. Men often don’t respond, because they either don’t know the answer yet, are still processing the problem, or they’re afraid the answer may disappoint her. It’s important for both sexes to recognize this. It’s also important for all to acknowledge and utilize the power of praise.
My wife is amazing. I tell her so all the time. At least once a day I tell her how proud I am of her and how much I admire what she’s doing. I may not hit every single little thing, but I make sure to get the highlights whenever possible. It’s nice to see the light in her eyes when I do so. I also make a point to talk positively about her in front of others. I make it a point to talk about her deeds and accomplishments in front of my children. This serves a dual purpose. First, it shows how much I care about my wife and how proud I am of her accomplishments. Second, it shows my children how important it is to praise others and let them know you appreciate them. Praise can often have a snowball effect. When you praise someone, their self-esteem rises, they work harder, which in turn earns more praise. Eventually, they learn the model and praise others, which in turn, leads to better work and so on…you get the picture.
It’s important to also recognize that praising someone and appreciating them is not “stroking their ego.” When compliments or praise is given truthfully and willingly for exhibiting good qualities, producing good work, a job well done, courage, honesty, or compassion, then it’s not about ego. Praise that is given without sincerity or given when obviously not earned can often lead to stroking someone’s ego. The difference is in the intent. Generally stroking someone’s ego is done to gain favor by making someone feel better about themselves or to falsely inflate their sense of self-worth. Know the difference.
Praising accomplishments, good work, or values can be very powerful. Do not shy away from giving praise out of fear that doing so will inflate someone’s ego.
Let’s learn a little about how to praise a child in a manner that seeks to build character as opposed to inflating the ego.
Situation: Your child just showed you their report card and it shows all A’s.
Praise that inflates the ego: “You are so smart!” “You get amazing grades!”
Praise that builds character: “I’m really impressed with how hard you’ve been working this year. Your hard work is really paying off!”
When praising your child, try to be specific. Simply saying, “Great job!” may seem fine, but it’s really not enough. They may not know exactly what you are referring to. Try pointing out why you’re proud. For example, “I love the way you worked hard to make the lawn look nice.”
Being a man and being a Dad means knowing how to build up the people around you. Negativity breeds more negativity. Be the light and the positive influence in the lives of those you love.
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